The verbs for 'loving' and 'bring up' in Ephesians 5:25 & 6:4 are active verbs. They don't happen by themselves. And Christ loved the church by taking the initiative.
-> Don't wait until the problem gets so bad that your wife comes frazzled and in tears ... forcing you to act.
-> have regular (daily?) discussions AT YOUR INITIATIVE to discuss your children and how your wife is doing. [NB there is a dynamic at work here (often). Dad- at work ... done all his talking for the day and is tired when gets home...retreat to cave is his prefered course of action. Mum, not much if any adult conversation all day, tired, needs to talk with Dad about all kinds of things. May not seem like significant things to the Dad. ... so what do about this? Dad - anticipate it and deal with it]. If you do this, then rather than having to make decisions under pressure of a crisis you are able to plan, deliberate, seek advice, wait, monitor, pray, read etc. before having to act.
-> take regular time once a week with your wife (a walk or coffee out ... doesn't need to cost money ... apart from for babysitter). You initiate this.
NB a good idea with the kids too. So rather than the kids badgering you for attention you are seeking their attention proactively ... go out for a walk, go to the library, go swimming. Not because you have to, but because you want to. Initiate irregular fun too (e.g. pyjama rides to MacD's after they have got ready for bed!). Initiate reading together as a family.
2. You need to respect & honour your wife's weaknesses (1 Peter 3:7)
This is hard for blokes who are inbuilt and trained to hone in on weakness and exploit it.
e.g. often with discipline the kids will respect Dad more than Mum, though she may be a just and persistent and loving disciplinarian. Don't resent this. Don't mock it. Don't point it out in any kind of put down way. For a start it is your problem - because the home will not be a peaceful and happy place if the kids are all over the shop, playing up to Mum. Take responsibility on yourself to see that the kids get it clear that when Mum says something, Dad is saying something! Back up Mum's decisions with the kids (even if you don't agree - you need to discuss that later and in private) and be willing to back her up physically too.
3. You need to honour & utilize your wife's strengths
The Lord has put you two together in covenant for a purpose (Malachi 2:13-16; cf. Gen 1:17-18). Your wife is your helper, fit for you. Sometimes you don't get the situation and your wife does, sometimes you are too harsh and need tempering (sure, sometimes she may be too soft, especially with boys... but not always. Boys do hurt and do need comfort - as well as to be told to be a brave boy and get on with it), sometimes she can do and say and communicate things that you cannot. Accept that, delight in it, don't be threatened by it but encourage her and incorporate it in your leadership of the home.
4. You lead by serving (Mark 9:35)
As Dad you are both Master and Servant. Godly authority is exercised as a servant. Pouring yourself out for you wife and kids. So get used to being tired and all the hard work. That is the deal! And of course God is gracious to give us strength as we need for what he requires.
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